Teh Webolg

Proof proper that the internet is packed full of wankers. Wouldn`t mind giving these bozos a few "glory bumps" via my size 10 boots.

Short`n`sweet.

Some new stuff for the site on the way, as soon as I`ve written it. Rant rant rant.

The mental Giovanni, charming Sebastian, and midgetty Tattoo continue their heroic quest of bringing Albanian folk music to the masses.

Redirecty linky linky to the good stuff is here

Warning: contains huge quantities of amusement and the `c` word.

Slipped into site updates, as I hadn`t bothered creating a blog category for Albanian music.

Wayne Rooney dons sock but must be careful about direction of sock pullage in order not to hurt his poorly toe.

Wayne Rooney wipes from front to back.

Wayne Rooney caught in passionate clinch with a one-eyed, peg-legged leper midget.

...christ on a bike.

Class in a glass. Microsoft releases its superly duperly awaited OneCare "protection and maintenance service" shortly.

Clicking through the OneCare web site to order the software, you`ll understand the type of people they hope to fleece out of a few bob.

"In order to complete installation of Windows Live OneCare, you must be running Internet Explorer 6 or later as your Web browser. Please switch to Internet Explorer and then restart Setup by typing http://www.windowsonecare.com/purchase into the browser address field."

Not a chance, my fine furry friends at Microsoft. I`ll stick with Firefox and apt-get.

So not only do they produce shite software that`s falling apart at the seams, but they want to charge you for any fixes they produce. On top of that, they`re too bloody lazy to even hyperlink the URL! Microsoft, you`ve lost the plot now. It`s like buying a car - well buying a piece of shit banger; an old Austin Allegro, for example - and having to rent brakes because you know at some point things are going to go pear shaped. I really shows contempt for users of their operating systems that they can get away with providing shit, with the shovel coming at extra cost. Problem is, they dug themselves into such a big hole, they can`t give the software away without getting a bollocking for preventing competition. Nice.

Notice how I`ve bothered linking to their site. That`ll be a fifty dollar rental fee for the use of the hyperlink, please thank you, you like bag? Also notice a subliminal plug in the image for Giovanni and Sebastian. In every shite weblog post, a little gem.

Just received an e-mail from the Brian Haw mailing list thingie, showing an Early Day Motion in support of his protest. I suggest you lobby your MP to support it. Our local MP is an absolute cunt who tends to abstain from every important vote and tow the Labour line when he needs to. Great value for money, Gareth Thomas, you spineless smarmy git.

Anyway, I clicked through a couple of the politicans` names on the right to see the sort of motions they support, and stumbled upon this scary shit.

Read read read.. blah blah.. obvious stuff.. hang on.. "any findings of private companies engaging in the researching of a criminality gene".

Criminality gene? What the hell?

Since 2004, the police can legally extract (nice painful word, that) DNA for any recordable offence. That could include pissing on a tree on the way back from the pub because there aren`t any toilets. Doesn`t matter if you`re arrested or convicted. Of course this information is going to be sold and abused (again "mis-use" isn`t really a strong enough word) by governments. As if ID cards aren`t enough to stop terror, we`ll all be tagged for dropping a Wotsit in the street just to ensure our unique personal data can be filed away for later.

I know Diane Abbott is a big fan of headstaggers, and often visits the sweary ringtones. So come on Diane - what`s this all about then? In the same way that the kids of murderers always go on to murder, let`s lock up kids at birth based on their genes. Keep Britain tidy. But take a stroll back to 2001 and have a quick shuffty first.

The nice thing about having a PC is that you can buy software and hardware and plug it in and make it do stuff. Well that`s the theory anyway.

This morning I plugged in my little USB Bluetooth dongle thingie. It`s nothing flashy, but is useful for transferring files between the computer and phone. Plug it in, and it just works. Usually. Today, Windows decided to fart in its general direction.

Install completed, reboot required. What is it about Windows and reboots? You don`t get this crap with Linux. Machine starts up, and wooooo - 8 colour display! Obviously you`d expect a USB Bluetooth device and an AGP graphics card to conflict with each other, wouldn`t you? Well maybe not, but Windows XP seemed to think so. Let`s use the System Restore feature. One reboot later, and things are still knackered. Yes, rather predictably, System Restore is as much use as a chocolate tea pot.



OK, I`m techie enough to have sorted this crap out in 10 minutes, but why should two devices sharing nothing but the same PC be fighting with each other, and why does Microsoft include this System Restore thing that`s absolutely useless?

Apologies for Dr.Who Cybermen wallpaper.. I don`t know what came over me. Trigger`s metal army, probably.

Well what a miserable ranty weblog week it`s been. But anyway..

Ringleader of The Tormentors has now been added to The Illustrated Smiths, so get cracking with your quifftastic pics. 188 songs and counting! Super duper.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear what an absolute disgrace.

You may not even support his views. But at least support his right to express them.

They can`t stop crime, the streets are flooded with drugs, people are being fined for dropping a Wotsit on the street, and the Home Office hasn`t a clue what it`s doing. Still, it`s only right to pounce on a man who`s been a thorn in the government`s side for speaking out and making a peaceful protest.

Don`t let the door hit you up the arse on your way out, John Reid.

Disgusting.

Update: there will be a non protest tomorrow, people merely around that area; details here. Unfortunately I work nowhere near and it`s too short notice to be.. out and about for a leisurely stroll. But if you can pop along and wave at the bloke in the hat without being arrested, and possibly make a bit of a raspberry should somebody "important" pass by in an expensive car, then I urge you to do so.

The sheer idiocy of this government never fails to amaze me.

A big woo to Finland for winning Eurovision last night. Best entry by far. And never let it be said that Daz Sampson looks like Ian Huntley. Anyway, here`s a link to Greece`s 2002 entry. Absolutely brilliant. Only thing missing is Terry Wogan`s commentary, something oh "oh my goodness, it`s the Borg".

Eejits at their very best.

Text in italics lifted straight off the BBC web site. God I`m a bad boy. ASBO ME NOW.

Being British
The government is to review whether "core British values" should become part of the curriculum for schools in England.
The aim would be for children to develop a strong sense of British identity, but critics say education cannot prevent extremism.
People in Nottingham and Stratford, east London, gave their views.

So that`ll be a representative view of the whole of Britain, from a small number of people in one region. Good place to start. Still, there`s some London opinion, and as we know, London rules OK and the rest of the country can go to hell. Nottingham was included out of sympathy. Nottingham is brilliant because it`s not as bad as Merseyside. It`s great when you can make things look less shit by finding something a bit shitter somewhere else.


Respect others
"Wherever children come from, if they are going to live in this country they should be taught the values of this country," said bricklayer Andrew Barrett, 59, from Walthamstow.
"I think British values always used to be respect for your elders and respect for other people.
"It was always do unto others as you would have done unto yourself."

Look no further than our police for examples of respect for others. Follow their example. And always remember, you have the right to peaceful protest should things go pear-shaped. What exactly are the values of this country? Well on the surface it would appear to be animal cruelty, making as much nuclear waste as possible (we`ll all be dead before anybody has to worry about it), the right to shut the fuck up and never speak out against the government, and in fact just stay off the streets after 5:30pm. Curfews should be enforced from 7PM onwards and anyone over the age of birth should be rounded up (when was the last time you saw a policeperson smiling other than when they parked their car in a Pay and Display car park and nipped into Vodafone to pick up a new mobile phone?) and extradited to America to stand trial under anti-terrorism laws. God bless our happy, smiley police. Maybe they don`t like the surname King. Smiley smiley.



Religious tolerance

"It would probably be good but the first thing is to agree on what the values are," said civil servant Simon Ellis, 47, from Beckenham.
"I don’t really know what British values are. I suppose for a long time it’s been religious tolerance. We've got a democracy, and a constitutional monarchy.
"To sum up, the devil is in the detail with this."

Woo! If things get bad, Queenie`s there to save us, signing like a busy little bee on her special Parliament Act Government Knows Best Winnie The Pooh scented writing paper. Silence harmless loonies preaching on streets, and let loonies under surveillance preach. Oh, until The Sun starts yapping, then the monitored loonies are rightly locked up. The British stand proud and will never be influenced by media-induced hysteria, unless the subject is a balloon head with a hook. Religion and lunatics will unite Britain; we`ve the best loony of the lot running the country, and he leads by glorious example.


Helping people
"I think this would be a good idea," said chef Mel Djedje, 44, from Forest Gate. "Everyone should know about the culture, it’s really important.
"The British like to help people. That’s a good thing. It would be good if the kids learnt that at school.
"Every country has to teach the kids about their culture."

Well Mel, it may be worth having a chat with Simon above; he obviously doesn`t understand values. Instead of wasting his time on religious tolerance, he should be helping people. I once helped Ken Livingstone as he was crossing the road in front of my car; I didn`t hit the accelerator.


Justice and fair play
"I’m a teacher myself, and at the moment we teach them citizenship," said Joanna Barkess, 29, from Hackney.
"It boils down to what British values are. I think anything that makes a positive contribution to the community is good.
"I would say British values are justice and fair play for all, and tolerance and respect."

Justice is the cornerstone of British society, and without it - chaos. To obtain justice, do all that is necessary. If that fails, shoot them in the head. Several times. Always be sure to get backup in your pursuit of the truth. Believe in the truth, and it will happen.



Teach respect
"I can't think that it's a bad thing," said manager Tristan Barndon, 23, from Cornwall.
"Someone needs to take the time to teach this sort of thing in schools but I also can't help thinking that there are better things that the government could be teaching in schools.
"Teaching respect is really needed."

By jove! It appears that Cornwall has moved to Nottingham. With Manchester being a London 2012 olympic venue, who knows where these electoral boundary changes will end. Respect geography, mother of all ographies. Teach respect and geography in schools. A winning combination.

In the utopian Britain, in order to receive respect, it will be necessary to hold an entitlement card. This will ensure you receive the finest respect from those who govern our lives we have elected to keep us safe at night.


Freedom of speech
"British core values, what are they then?" said charity worker Natalie Bogod, 51, from Nottingham.
"If they taught kids respect, that would be a start. If we could get to teach them manners, that'd be great.
"But definitely a freedom of speech to express yourself without being told how and what to think is important."

Well said, Natalie. Britain offers the ultimate in freedom of speech. You can freely voice your opinions on the street, at political events, and even outside Parliament. Only Britain makes this freedom possible. I would love to meet Tony Blair, Charles Clarke, or John Reid in order to exercise my power of speech and call them power-mad, tabloid-driven cunts. But that would result in an ASBO, a fine (we must keep the money flowing by whatever means), and 4 hours of community service (weeding the roundabout near Tesco). On the plus side, it will teach the ultimate in respect. You may even have the chance to donate some blood to the national DNA database should you ever need to know your cytosine/thymine nucleotide count.



Different cultures

"I would say core values do need to be taught but to what extent?" said student Sheldon Smith, 24, from Nottingham.
"I think it would better to teach kids about the different cultures that are around them, to get a better insight.
But I don't think this sort of thing should be compulsory and on the curriculum."

Never mind different cultures, wouldn`t it be a better idea to teach kids from age 3 months upwards not to be shagging until they`re old enough to get a job and not sponge off the state? We need these buggers to pay for our pensions. Also, start them on Stella on their day of birth to ensure they have built up a tolerance by the age of 10 - I`m fed up seeing pools of vomit outside the tube station. Teach kids the things that matter. How to count would be a good start; if you`ve ever stood in a queue at Tesco for half an hour only to have the cashier spend a further 45 minutes try to count £10 in ten pound note, you`ll know what I mean. And who really calls their kids Sheldon?

Take history off the curriculum too, while you`re at it. You could easily roll the Thatcher and Blair years of British history into one section. With the time saved by not teaching history, teachers could spend valuable time teaching extra respect.



"I think this is a positive step but we need to be careful when talking about British identity," said marketing worker Rebecca Jumani, 27, from Nottingham.
"Rather than British values as such, more information to understand political situations and cultural differences would be a good thing.
"But we need to teach them to form their own opinions.

So, form opinions that will never conflict with the government or authorities. Beat it into the children from an early age. Fine them, move them on, and lock them up. Accept everything thrown at you, and never complain. Never think that anything could possibly be wrong with the system. Obey. And if you don`t like what Labour`s doing to the country, vote Tory. There are, after all, only two parties in the country. Use your vote well, and in accordance with the daily tabloids.

Yes folks - learn to be more British. Make Britain fluffy, and force feed the new truth to your kids.