EastEnders E20: Holy Fuck

Recently, the BBC`s bastion of social commentary, EastEnders spawned a sidekick show in the form of EastEnders E20, and thank Christ the programme is only available online or via the red button interactive thingie.

The premise is thus: take a bunch of new characters, introduced during 2 episodes of the regular show, and spice it up for da kidz.  Add a dribble of Drummond Bass soundtrack, including a bloody awful remix of the EastEnders intro music, and top off with lots of bad lighting.  To shit things up (I think that`s what the kids say), show a bit of ugly character skin.  Recipe for a televised bollock.


If you`re old enough to remember the Ricky and Bianca spin off, it`s much the same.  An even shitter Hollyoaks, with a splash of regular DeadEnders characters.  One thing I`ve noticed about DeadEnders over the years, being a techie, are the awful shite websites they slip into storylines.  The worst part of this is that webbies have been employed to actually build some of these bloody sites.  Classics include:

  • www.godlypodly.co.uk – a sick, kickin`, wicked, nang website making Jesus street, innit.  Word.  What a bag of arsebudgies.
  • www.search-wise.net – the search engine of choice when anyone on the show does a bit of laptopping.  This is the 555- search engine, cleared for use on TV or films.  Wish I`d thought of this.  The owl sucks though.
  • www.rudemasood.co.uk – Tamwar Masood`s “hilarious website” in which he parodies regulars of Da Square, innit.

Having watched a good 15 minutes of EastEnders E20 (AKA EE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE), I`m confused to hell.  Mainly due to the crap acting, street-speek, and constant music.  “Da fair maiden cud be a buff ting”, proclaims one of the characters, “Failsafe Fatboy”.  This show is one for da nang subtitlez innit.  Another character is going through the overplayed teenage pregnancy scare story.  The most scary thing about this character is her massive mane of ginger hair, turning her into some kind of Lion-O from Thundercats.  Every so often, where adverts would appear on any other channel, we`re treated to a giant 3 second EastEnders E20 logo just in case we`ve forgotten what we`re watching, or it would provide distraction from reaching for a shotgun.

I`m not sure what kind of post-processing they`ve applied to the show, but it looks a little like someone has turned the brightness on the telly down to zero, smashed the screen to ensure no light escapes, then covered the telly with thick tights.  Then the TV is pushed into a black hole.  Perhaps regular EastEnders wasn`t gloomy enough.

In summary: park a strip-underlit Vauxhall Nova outside the house, turn the stereo up, and picture Hollyoaks narrated by The Clangers.

EastEnders E20 over on the BBC website

One Response to EastEnders E20: Holy Fuck

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