New Job. EastEnders Plot-Liner. DONE.

I`m a bloody genius, I am.  I`ve written the plot of EastEnders for the next 15 years.  Enjoy.

Dup dup duppaduppadup.

  1. The Vic changes hands.
  2. A wedding.
  3. Scene directed by art student.  Includes music by Coldplay, faded across scenes via various radios to deliver a sense of continuity.
  4. New character arrives.
  5. Phil starts drinking.
  6. The Caff changes hands.
  7. A murder.
  8. The Vic changes hands.
  9. The Arches changes hands.
  10. Someone thrown out of pub.
  11. The return of Nasty Nick.
  12. New character is prime suspect in murder.
  13. Phil stops drinking.
  14. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  15. New character leaves.
  16. Celebrity appearance by pop star and/or politician.
  17. The Caff changes hands.
  18. New family arrives.
  19. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  20. The Vic changes hands.
  21. Character X opens stall.
  22. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  23. The Arches changes hands.
  24. An affair.
  25. New family in “hilarious” hi jinks.
  26. Phil starts drinking.
  27. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  28. Someone thrown out of pub.
  29. The Arches changes hands.
  30. Character X loses stall.
  31. The Vic changes hands.
  32. Phil stops drinking.
  33. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  34. Pregnancy.  50% chance of it being teenage.
  35. Another affair.
  36. New family proves unpopular, leaves.
  37. Someone thrown out of pub.
  38. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  39. The return of an old character.
  40. Phil starts drinking.
  41. The Vic changes hands.
  42. Character X opens stall.
  43. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  44. Key character diagnosed with illness or becomes a junkie.
  45. A divorce.
  46. Baby`s father revealed.
  47. Phil stops drinking.
  48. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  49. The Vic changes hands.
  50. The Caff changes hands.
  51. Someone thrown out of pub.
  52. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  53. Phil starts drinking.
  54. The Arches changes hands.
  55. Dinner down the Argee Bhagee.
  56. The Vic changes hands.
  57. Character X loses stall.
  58. Phil stops drinking.
  59. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  60. The Caff changes hands.
  61. Revamped title sequence.  Proves unpopular.  Titles reverted.
  62. Murderer is uncovered, 28 weeks after event takes place, just to keep audience on the edge of the seat.
  63. Someone thrown out of pub.
  64. Dinner at Fargo`s.
  65. Phil starts drinking.
  66. Key character lives for another 5 years, or cleans up act depending on popularity and/or newspaper “romp” revelations.
  67. Affair ends badly.
  68. Nasty Nick caught doing sommat, kicked out by Dot.  Dot clutches Bible.
  69. Phil stops drinking.
  70. The Arches changes hands.
  71. Other affair ends badly.
  72. Goto 1

That`ll be my first million quid then, BBC.  Keep the cheques coming.

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One Response to New Job. EastEnders Plot-Liner. DONE.

  1. Arthur nicks the Christmas Club money (again)

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