Swerve!
Something that`s currently driving me absolutely potty is the inability of Londoners to pay attention to anyone within a 20m radius. Specifically I`m referring to the constant weaving, backpack brandishing, mobile phone talky stoppery, and 100m sprint fetish that seems to have grabbed the commuter population by the short and curlies and turns the soul-destroying trudge, AKA the daily commute, into a living hell.
My daily commute, from London to London now takes an average of 3 hours each day, and up to 4 if Transport for London are feeling especially incompetent. Just a few days ago I was late into work (again) due to a swan on the line, closely followed by a phenomenon known as “fucked tube”. On top of this comes the scrum that is the inconsiderate commuter.
I set a challenge to any reader of this webolg to try to walk in a straight line in London. A 2 minute journey in an attempted straight line largely runs as follows:
00:00:00 begin journey, leave tube station
00:00:10 bashed out of the way by a woman in large furry boots: skillfully avoid falling down stairs
00:00:15 20 school children run in front, brandishing Barney lunchboxes and (hidden) knives – that`ll keep the Daily Mail happy: pause for 5 seconds whilst the stampede subsides
00:00:20 tramp asks for £1 for a “cup of tea”: excuse made, walk on, man with suitcase 3m in front – a safe stopping distance
00:00:30 man with suitcase stops dead for no apparent reason: take evasive action
00:00:32 lady with woolly hat and bunch of leaflets appears from the ether and attempts to thrust her produce in your face: say “no thanks”, walk on
00:00:36 police car shoots past, sirens blaring – it`s 9:30AM and there isn`t enough noise to go round: wince
00:00:40 two women cut across, discussing last night`s party and how they got absolutely “shit faced” – one of the women is a disturbing shade of orange – unsure if this is bad makeup, self-tan, jaundice, or she has fallen into a bucket of wood stain: swerve around the Oompa Loompa and her compadre
00:00:45 reach traffic lights – wait – wait – wait
00:00:52 pushed aside by wideboy with jacket that is 8 sizes too big and appears to be made from airpocket package: scowl
00:00:55 wait for traffic lights – bloke in van has a problem with his horn and must toot toot toot: stare at shoes
00:01:00 traffic lights change – the panic scene from The Blob begins, with a violent horde of inconsiderate gobshites pushing left, right, up, down, sideways, into the 3rd dimension in an attempt to cross the road: stand still and/or move gingerly and let them get on with their embarrassing brawl
00:01:10 make it to the other side of the road without losing life or limb: praise The Gods
00:01:11 head sliced open in a style resembling Sylar from Heroes by an idiot with an umbrella large enough to protect half the population of Wigan: rub head
00:01:15 attempt to walk through wooden “walkway” created by builders as half of London appears to have re-undergone the blitz of WWII and is being reconstructed: unable to move as 18 people are oncoming and the walkway is wide enough for 1 person
00:01:30 enter walkway, get soaked by water from rain 4 days ago that has been mysteriously nestling somewhere in the woodwork: wonder if this water contains any infectious diseases or is indeed water
00:01:35 pushed out of the way by woman with a buggy and who NEEDS to get out of the walkway
00:01:40 exit walkway, instantly bashed to the side by man in suit who has been lurking at the exit for the perfect opportunity to ambush a walkway exitee: mutter “twat”
00:01:43 width of pavement taken up by 6 crazy students discussing their drugs-fuelled antics from the weekend: leave pavement, walk on road
00:01:47 bashed by bus with side mirrors that reside 6m from the body of the bus: wet feet from puddles, re-engage the pavement
00:01:52 pass pool of sick, or could equally be something sold by McDonalds: sigh and wonder if it is a pool of sick
00:02:00 hit by lightning, serious burns, death
Now, Newton was a bright man. He came up with the law of gravitational attraction which essentially says that body A exerts an attractive force on body B. Equally, his third law of motion essentially states that if body A exerts a force on body B, then body B exerts an equal, but opposite force on body A. By this rationale, can I conclude that not only are evil gravitational forces at work, but that I am either attracting these inconsiderate gobshites (and thus they are attracted to me) or they are attracting me and therefore I am attracted to them?
Something to ponder as I am about to leave the house and venture back onto the streets of “Greater” London.
On a completely unrelated note, I`m thinking about moving the webolg onto wordpress. Not too sure.. might be too much hassle to shoehorn it into the site. Life can be exciting.
